Stress is an unavoidable part of life, but how we deal with it can vary greatly from person to person. Some people manage stress by diving into problem-solving mode, while others may deny there’s a problem at all.
In romantic relationships, understanding your partner’s stress language can be a key to harmonious communication and a strong bond. Coined by “Settled: How to Find Calm in a Stress-Inducing World” author and physical therapist Chantal Donnelly, stress languages describe how we communicate and respond to stress. When stress levels rise, the way partners cope can either bring them closer or create tension.
By acknowledging these stress-related tendencies, couples can better support each other through challenging times, turning stress into an opportunity for growth and connection. Let’s explore the five stress languages and what each means for your stress management strategy in your relationship.
The Fixer: Let’s Solve This!
How to Communicate With a Fixer
If you know a Fixer, offer support by discussing practical solutions and encouraging them to take breaks. Remind them that it’s okay to ask for help and that not every problem needs an immediate fix.
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The Denier: What Problem?
The Denier’s stress language involves downplaying or outright denying the existence of stress. Deniers often act like everything is fine, even when it’s not. This approach can be helpful in maintaining a positive attitude, but it can also lead to unresolved issues that accumulate over time. Deniers might avoid discussing stress-related topics, hoping the problem will disappear on its own. “Deniers are going to be people who throw toxic positivity around, even at themselves,” Donnelly says.
How to Communicate With a Denier
If you’re dealing with a Denier, patience is key. Gently encourage them to talk about what’s bothering them without being confrontational. Help them see that acknowledging stress is the first step toward addressing it.
The Numb-er: Let’s Not Feel
The Numb-er deals with stress by numbing emotions, either through distraction, avoidance, or substance use, Donnelly says. This stress language is about escaping from stress rather than confronting it. Numb-ers might binge-watch TV shows, overeat, or engage in other activities to avoid dealing with their feelings. While this can provide temporary relief, it doesn’t solve the underlying issues and can lead to unhealthy habits.
How to Communicate with a Numb-er
If you’re interacting with a Numb-er, focus on building a supportive environment. Encourage them to engage in healthy activities and express their feelings. Avoid judgment, and instead create opportunities for them to open up at their own pace.
The Exploder: I Need to Vent!
The Exploder’s stress language is all about release — usually in a loud and dramatic way. Exploders vent their stress through anger, yelling, or other intense reactions, according to Donnelly. While this can be cathartic for them, it can be overwhelming for those around them. Exploders often need a safe space to blow off steam, but they should also work on managing their reactions to avoid damaging relationships.
How to Communicate With an Exploder
When dealing with an Exploder, it’s crucial to stay calm and composed. Allow them to vent, but set boundaries to ensure that their behavior doesn’t cross the line. After they’ve cooled down, discuss healthier ways to manage stress.
The Imploder: Internalizing Stress
The Imploder is the opposite of the Exploder, internalizing stress and keeping it all inside. This stress language involves bottling up emotions and not expressing them outwardly. Imploders may seem calm on the surface, but beneath the calm, stress is building up, Donnelly says. This can lead to physical symptoms like headaches or stomach issues, as well as emotional strain.
How to Communicate With an Imploder
If you know an Imploder, encourage them to talk about their feelings in a safe and non-judgmental environment. Help them understand that it’s okay to express stress and that doing so can prevent future problems.
These five stress languages are not mutually exclusive—you might find that you use different ones in different situations. A Fixer might try to solve their partner’s problems, even if they just want to be heard, while a Denier might avoid addressing relationship issues altogether, leading to unresolved conflicts. An Exploder’s outbursts could cause friction, whereas an Imploder’s silence might leave their partner feeling shut out.
By recognizing and respecting each other’s stress languages, couples can find balance. This can involve setting boundaries, practicing patience, and engaging in open, empathetic communication. Whether you’re a Fixer, Denier, Numb-er, Exploder, or Imploder, remember that stress is a natural part of life, and it’s okay to ask for help when you need it.
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