I flipped through the radio stations one day and listened as Kelly Clarkson poured her heart out in “Piece by Piece.” The lyrics were emotional and touched beneath the surface. The song is about a heartbroken little girl who struggled with abandonment issues and she carried that pain into adulthood. Luckily for her, the breakthrough came when she met a man who would become her husband and restored her faith in men. She finished up the song with the line, “That a man can be kind and the father should be great.” Aside from her vocals, the lyrics left me thinking about my own father and stepfather.
On the other hand, my song would be quite different since my biological father died when I was just five years old and I experienced a disconnect with my stepfather for as long as I could remember. The combination of the two left me void of the benefits of a father-daughter experience. When I found my soon-to-be husband, he already had a son and I saw firsthand how a father could not only provide but care about their child. I found this highly desirable because it gave me insight into who he was as a man and father if we ever became serious. At the time, my daddy issues were still buried deep. Even after having our first child, a baby boy, I was still clueless. Everything changed when I became pregnant with our daughter and I started to focus on how her needs would be different from the boys. I replayed all the missed opportunities in my childhood and vocal about the moments that truly mattered. He patiently listened as I dug deep to uncover my daddy issues.
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When our daughter arrived, I watched in awe how he admired her. The glare in his eyes were a bit different this time around. Over the years, he softened whenever she smiled really hard or even hurt herself. She got him to laugh when he was really trying to be serious. When she learned to cook pancakes, she made sure her daddy got the first ones. I had front-row seat to this and more and experienced deep gratitude. I struggled with bitterness over what I was expecting from my stepfather but my daughter having a good father comforted me. Luckily, my daughter would have a lifetime of experiences to share with her father. She would never have to wonder who he was or how he truly felt about her. She would have countless pictures, videos, and memories to reflect on. For her to experience love from her father made me feel proud because I chose well. My husband would set the standard for her future relationships by the way he loved me.
When the day came for the annual daddy-daughter dance at her elementary school, my emotions were all over the place. Not only were my daddy issues fully exposed, I struggled with the idea of being envious of my daughter’s relationship with her daddy. After all, I loved and wanted her to have everything I didn’t have as a young girl and more. I quietly sobbed in the bathroom at work trying to nurse a 30-year-old heartache. I was excited that she would experience the evening with her daddy but heartbroken that I couldn’t relate. The closest experience I had to date was on my wedding day when my stepfather walked me down the aisle and danced to “Isn’t she lovely?” by Stevie Wonder. If I had superpowers, I would have frozen those moments in time to relive over and over. This moment revealed the depth of my brokenness and in my longing for a relationship with a father who had been gone three decades and a stepfather who was unable to connect with me. I allowed myself to stay in that bathroom stall and cry to cleanse my soul for at least 30 minutes. Afterward, I wiped my tears, said a quick prayer and returned to work.
Later that evening, I happily dressed her in a gold dress with leggings and placed a bow in her hair and watched her glow. The pride that exuberated from my husband who handsomely wore his all-purpose black suit and matching gold tie was priceless. As she descended the steps with her head held high like a princess, he surprised her at the foot of the steps with a red rose hand corsage. Her wide smile started at her mouth until it reached her eyes. She anxiously jumped up and down while he slowly slid it onto her wrist. As if watching a movie, I sat on the steps with my hands cupping my face feeling emotionally drained. They posed for several pictures and anyone who witnessed their interaction knew this connection was real. The night continued with pictures and videos of them laughing and dancing. My soul was at peace knowing that she had been blessed with a protective and loving father. My heartache would slowly be repaired piece by piece through their new experiences.
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