Stop Telling Single People to Love Themselves First. They Already Do.
by Esme Marfo
SHARE ARTICLE
LEFT TO READ

minutes

PUBLISHED ON

April 7, 2023

ARTICLE LENGTH

8 Minute Read

SHARE ARTICLE
CONTRIBUTOR

Stop Telling Single People to Love Themselves First. They Already Do.

man smiling
Courtesy of rawpixel.com

“You don’t need a relationship; just focus on yourself.” “They’ll come when you least expect it.” “Honestly, you’re not missing out on anything.” I am beyond tired of hearing these phrases. I have never been in a relationship. A lot of my friends started in the dating scene young. Petty relationships in middle school, some even elementary school. I always thought, “Alright, at least you got high school.” But that came and went. Then I thought college for sure, something’s gonna happen. Again…nothing. While being single, I’ve taken the time to really get to know myself and have dated myself. I take myself on solo dates, I treat myself to gifts, and I’ve learned how to prioritize myself and my needs. However, even though I have an abundance of self-love, I still want more.

Late bloomers or those who don’t experience relationships during high school or college — or even in their 20s — are always told to focus on themselves and love themselves. But no matter how much you love yourself, it’s still normal to want more. No amount of self-love can replace the intimacy or companionship you get from a relationship. We are social beings, and it’s normal to crave and want more than platonic love. Self-love shouldn’t be seen as a replacement for romantic love. There’s this notion that if we’re purposely seeking a partner, we don’t love ourselves enough, which couldn’t be further from the truth. I love myself more than I think anyone else can love me. I have self-love, and you know what else I have? A lot of love to give.

happy woman
Courtesy of nappy.co

The idea that we don’t need anyone leads to this endless pursuit to improve ourselves because we think if we’re not okay with being single, then something has to be wrong with us. The reality is humans are wired to have a need for contact and affection. I’m not less “whole” or inferior because I want to experience being loved by someone in a capacity that I haven’t before. I’m as healed and as happy as I can get alone. I love myself, and I love my own company, but it’s a natural thing that I still desire human connection.

BlackLove.com Related Articles:
Dear Single Mothers, I See You
I Wanted to Get Married, But I Didn’t Know What That Looked Like. Enter: ‘Black Love’
Black Matchmakers and Dating Coaches to Help You Find Love

While I’m not necessarily in a rush to get into a relationship, there’s still a part of me that wonders what it feels like or how I’d even be in a relationship. When in relationships with others, you learn so much about yourself — what you like and don’t like, your strengths and weaknesses, forgiveness, triggers, etc. We can only learn so much about ourselves on our own. There’s so much to be discovered through our relationships with others, both platonic and romantic. There’s only so much self-work you can do with such limited experience and challenges.

Telling your single friend it’ll happen when they least expect it or to just love themselves doesn’t do what y’all think it does. It’s not encouraging and doesn’t make us feel better. It only invalidates how we feel and is another form of toxic positivity. When it seems like everyone around you is experiencing this one thing, it makes you question if it’s even in the cards for you.

Courtesy of nappy.co

The wait is hard and can sometimes feel never-ending. But don’t let your waiting be in vain. Just because you don’t have a partner catering to you doesn’t mean you can’t cater to yourself. Here are some reminders and tips for single women who may feel like romantic love isn’t going to happen for them:

  1. Remember that it’s normal to feel happy being single and also want to be in a relationship at the same time. We are not meant to live life completely alone, and self-love isn’t a substitute for romantic love. 
  2. Be patient with yourself when it comes to dating. If this is your first time giving it a go, you can’t expect yourself to be an expert off the bat. It’s gonna be awkward and scary, but that’s all a part of the process. There’s nothing wrong with being inexperienced; you’ll learn over time! 
  3. You deserve love!!! You’re not unworthy of love and affection. Nothing is wrong with you. In your waiting season, cater to yourself. Take yourself on dates or trips and give yourself the same love and attention you give others. Date yourself for now so that way, when you do get into a relationship, you’re not accepting the bare minimum and are coming into it with a clear set of expectations. 
  4. Take this time to develop yourself and build up your confidence so that when you go out into the dating field, you already know what you’re looking for and what your non-negotiables are. When you have more assurance in who you are, you’re not gonna stay in a situation that doesn’t serve you, and you’ll be able to walk away rather than settle. 
  5. Put yourself out there. When you’re single for a long time, it’s so easy to become stagnant and tell yourself that you’re waiting for the love of your life to come and find you. Guess what–they’re not gonna find you when you’re hiding away all the time. Go out, have fun, meet people, and take the first step! Yes, it’s scary as hell, but sometimes you have to make the first move, or nothing’s ever gonna happen. 
  6. There’s no deadline for when you need to meet the love of your life or get into a relationship. Time isn’t running out.

JOIN THE CONVERSATION