Unpopular Opinion: Dating Green Flags Don’t Always Mean They’re a Keeper
by Jaz Wilson
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July 17, 2023

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Unpopular Opinion: Dating Green Flags Don’t Always Mean They’re a Keeper

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The beginning of an exclusive relationship is everything the movies told us it would be. Flowers, chocolates, late nights, and talking until the sun comes up. Blissful, to say the least, green flag, green flag, green flag! We love a green flag! However, when it comes to pointing out a red flag and setting a boundary, the movies really fell short of telling us how to identify them and how to resolve the conflict they come with. Nevertheless, as long as we have the ability to understand why a few green flags don’t mean go, we will be a lot better equipped to handle what comes our way. The goal is to save yourself days, weeks, and years of heartache if you can recognize you do not have to stay with someone who is only full of potential they will never meet. 

I hate to admit it, but I learned how to date after I got married, and that is in just about every aspect you can think of, from setting boundaries, recognizing effort, and of course, what you’re here for, possessing the ability to know the difference between continuing on with a relationship and when to let it lie. From my experience, there are quite a few factors that need to be taken into consideration. The length of the honeymoon stage, how green flags incidentally mask red ones, and last, you never fully know a person unless you are in the situation for them to show their true selves. The honeymoon stage is a huge green flag because we are so intoxicated by the bliss it provides. In my experience, the honeymoon stage can be as short as 3 months and as long as one whole year. Before my husband and I got married, ours lasted 7 months! You may be thinking, but isn’t that a good sign? Well, yes, it is a good sign, but if you are unprepared like we were, you may end up questioning the entire relationship as a whole. Sure, we got through it, but it was a very, very tough road.

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As luck would have it, after my husband and I tied the knot, trouble came, and we had to get into counseling like ASAP. Throughout our sessions, we realized we were not dating anymore, dating does not stop once you marry, so imagine my surprise when I realized, and it brought me to the realization I never knew how to. With my newfound knowledge, I reflected on what could have been done differently. Low and behold, it was recognizing that we were in a honeymoon stage for so long it was nearly impossible to expect a negative experience to come out way. All this time and energy learning about what we liked about each other, but we had never bothered to set any boundaries in case there was something we didn’t like; it truly felt like it was out of the realm of possibility. Honeymoon stages are sweet, intoxicating, and uneasily blinding. And to top it off, honeymoon stages can mask some of the deepest-rooted problems in your partner and in the relationship if you choose to only go on green flags. If you are blessed with a honeymoon stage lasting this long, take caution. Though I do urge you to embrace this stage fully, take it lightly because honeymoon stages are just that. Honeymoon. Stages. Emphasis on “stages” because it will happen more than once in intervals. 

So, here’s what I know, psychologically, the emotional level for the POI (person of interest) is already at its peak, and whether we’d like to admit it or not, many of us would rather not come down from the high — I sure didn’t. From here, the green flags are equated to the potential of a long-lasting relationship because the idea of the possibility of the high ( honeymoon stage) crashing is not within range. So, what does this all mean? Throw that person away! Just kidding. However, maintain self-awareness. This looks like understanding what you are experiencing and not allowing yourself to be so swept away into a fantasyland that you are not mentally and emotionally prepared for any obstacles you may face.

Green Flags Mask Red Ones 

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Let’s break this down, the rush of a green flag can eliminate the pain of a red one. Therefore, the green flag incidentally becomes a mask for the red one. Before I got married, I was unluckily entangled with a person who I thought was one of the most interesting people I had ever come across. To say I put my foot on the gas was an understatement; he had my undivided attention. In no way did I believe there was a chance of the disappointment that followed. Reflecting on that “situationship,” I wondered why I didn’t run for cover once the truth behind his dating situation was revealed. It’s like a siren was shoved in my face, and I swatted it away like a fly. But then it came to me, I was so wrapped up in the bliss I had experienced with this person that the red flag was able to hide behind the green ones. Though I was able to pull myself out of the situation, understanding why it was so hard came way later. 

Why was it ignored? Because he had been doing semi-great. In relationships, it feels a lot easier to denounce our partner’s transgressions because the other act was more favorable. However, it casts out the opportunity to take into consideration whether or not that is a transgression you are truly ok with dealing with. Since the goal is to be in a healthy relationship and achieve a forever after, again, make sure you are aware, but this time do not ignore any tinge of pain or discomfort you feel. Ask yourself if you are okay with the incident that transpired and bring it to your POI. You can maintain contentment with the green flags while addressing unfavorable actions respectfully. This helps to avoid assumptions for the future based on any green flag. Sure, we have expectations, but there is a fine line between desire and reality.

There have been so many instances where I instantly hit it off with someone to the point it felt like I’ve known them my whole life, which has made it more difficult to imagine strife following close behind. Some of the best conversations I’ve had were when I was getting to know a person and it wasn’t because we were flirting it was because we were learning each other. Feeling known is the sixth love language that is not spoken on often, and it is probably the top love language for a lot of us. It definitely is for me.  Because I took the first few interactions as everything I needed to know about them, there is no opportunity to face obstacles, which does not allow you the chance to see how the person you are dating approaches strife. 

No matter how understood I felt, I failed to recognize I can’t learn a person and their history within one conversation or even within a year. Not to say this is not possible, but people have baggage that they do not wear on their sleeves, and they don’t start unpacking until a simply situation arises that bursts open the bag. It is very easy to connect with someone. Especially when you have several things in common––if you can connect through common interests, it’s like a theme park of green flags. So, embrace it and understand just because this moment is perfect, it does not mean the relationship will be perfect. the dating stage is to get one another’s attention and if you are blinded by the flowers or home-cooked meals, you may not be able to catch on to the gas line that flows. Therefore, trust your gut and have confidence in yourself, because the mind can trick you into believing the transgression was not that bad.

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Dating With Green Flags

Now, I wish I knew a few of these tips beforehand, but I’m happy to spread the knowledge on how to date with green flags. First, rather than allowing expectations to consume you, consider not placing all your eggs in one basket. You are dating. You are not married. Next, it is important to understand there are various levels of commitment. As long as you know you are not exclusively dating anyone you are not obligated to date only one person. I say this while encouraging you to not have sex with everyone you date. This brings on a deeper connection that makes it a lot harder to break, but we will talk about that in another article. And leave room for mistakes. Whether it feels small to you or not, discuss the concern with your POI to set boundaries. 

So, I’d like to close this with encouragement. You can successfully get through dating by acknowledging that the honeymoon stage will last a while, so prepare yourself when hard times come. And though the hard time may hit, and you still see that person as great, be sure to trust yourself when considering what is tolerable and what isn’t. In all of this taken into consideration, people are who they choose to reveal. So there can be so much more to come. Accept the fact that All humans have flaws. As long as you approach dating with an open mind to it may not work out. You are likely to end with less heartache. 

If it doesn’t work out, it’s okay. It is better for it to end now than later in the future when you’re too deep in a relationship you cannot get out of. This is the time to set boundaries even if it’s for the littlest thing because if you let something slide one too many times, it will appear acceptable.

Yes, people change but do not allow the green flag in the beginning of the relationship to surpass the red flags that surface. While you have the opportunity to grow, do just that. This has a lot to do with accepting people for who they are as well. Do not fall for the guise that a person will change immediately. There are things that can be cut quick, without a second thought, and there may be things that take literal years to get through. The last thing you want is to have stayed when you should have left. 

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