It’s been proven that people who talk about their sex lives tend to have better sex lives. Good sex depends on good communication. As simple as that sounds, a lot of couples struggle to find the right words to express themselves without sounding critical or feeling embarrassed. In fact, it used to be easier for me to have the sex talk with my “girls” rather than my partner. I used to worry about how my partner would react. If they would be able to handle it? Would their feelings be hurt? As valid as these concerns were, I quickly learned that by not talking about sex I was doing myself and my partner a huge disservice. Communicating my sexual desires, needs and wants enhanced my relationship and my sex.
So how does one have the sex talk with their partner? Glad you asked — here are my favorite tips on how to make the sex talk more productive and less embarrassing as possible.
Start with one topic at a time
You don’t want to overwhelm your partner by bombarding them with a list of all the things they did wrong at once. It’s best to stick with one topic at a time. As the saying goes, the best way to eat an elephant is one bite at a time. Sticking to one topic will keep you on track and ensure that the issue at hand gets addressed. Too much too soon can be ineffective. If you have more to discuss, consider making this a regular occurrence.
Lead with a compliment
The key to talking about sex is not to criticize. If you do, the conversation will end before it even has a real chance to begin. Saying, “You never touch my body”, makes your partner feel like you’re complaining and will breed results you don’t desire. Instead try, “Kissing last weekend in the laundry room was sexy. I want more of that, it felt so good!” Instead of “I hate it when you touch me there,” try, “It feels so amazing when you touch me here.” We all at times have self doubt about our performance. Being critical will only worsen these insecurities. Sharing your positive needs opens dialogue that makes your partner receptive to what you have to say.
Sex can be a sensitive topic. To help the conversation go as smoothly as possible create a list of alternative or suggestions that would make sex better. Tell your partner what turns you on: share suggestions about foreplay, fantasies, things you like about them, what they do that makes you feel sexy, and how often you like to be intimate. It’s also important to allow your partner the opportunity to offer their input as well. It takes two to tango, so chances are your partner has some suggestions of their own for you. Ask how you can become a better lover in return and be ready to listen.
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Play a game
If talking about your likes and dislikes in bed doesn’t come naturally to you, consider turning the conversation into an activity. There are several sexy card games available that are great for this. One in particular is the game Sex Talks, which was created by a Black Sex Educator, Mickie Woods and features 69 questions that deepens connection and enhances sexual chemistry. Another option, in the event you don’t have a game handy is to create your own game. Jot down general questions and take turns answering with your partner. Some questions to ask could be: what turns you on? Do you have any fantasies? How often would you like to have sex? What’s your favorite position? What would you never do in bed?
At the end of the day, it’s important to remember that “good lovers are made, not born.” If you truly want the sexual relationship you desire then creating open, free, and non-judgemental communication is the key.